US Individuality

Kimiko Manes follows up her last column about freedom in Japan versus America with another one with more flawed examples:

At the end of the spring semester in May, while I was marking papers at the community college where I work, I ran into the college's art professor, Dr. M., and struck up a conversation. After the obligatory greetings, he gleefully declared, "Next month, my daughter is getting married. I am designing the flower arrangements for the wedding, and I'm thinking about designs inspired by Japanese-style ikebana. I think it'll be absolutely beautiful!" I said, "Congratulations! She will be a June bride. What's the groom like?" Dr. M. gazed into space for a second, and then replied, "Truthfully, I'm not fond of the groom." The contrast in emotion between his joyous declaration just a minute earlier couldn't have been starker. "You're going to let her marry him anyway?" "Well, I'm not marrying him. She likes him, so it's fine."

Parents can see things that children can't. Perhaps he noticed something about the fiance that displeased him for some reason. A Japanese parent would try to stop the marriage. Of course, this might also be a gender difference, as he is a father, and I am a mother.

So, I posed him a hypothetical question. "Suppose your daughter's marriage doesn't go well. What will you do?" He thought about it for a second and responded, "If she gets into trouble, I'll offer her a shoulder to cry on. If that happens, she'll also grow as a person."

If I had a daughter, I don't know if I would take his attitude. Parents, especially mothers, try to help their children to avoid different types of disasters. In trying to prevent my daughter from getting hurt, I might try to talk her out of an unsuitable marriage. But, for Dr. M., children must be allowed to make their own mistakes. Parents should not impose their views on their children, but rather respect them. I was thoroughly impressed with Dr. M.'s vision.

I guess this seems obvious to me but some of my students' parents are of a generation that had omiai(match maker) marriages. Then there's this one:

In Japan, there are youths who have essentially become hermits in their own homes. They stay in their rooms and do not go to work or school, and refuse to talk to their parents. I am told these youths range from teenagers to those in their 30s. When it was reported in the United States that the parents of these dysfunctional youths, not knowing how to deal with the situation, faithfully bring meals to their children's rooms every day, it became a discussion topic among students in my class. "Why don't the parents just kick their kids out of the house?" many asked. Most students asserted that children who are over 21 should be independent, and could not understand why parents would continue to support their children in this way.

In the United States, when a child reaches adulthood, he or she is expected to be independent, the students all believed. I countered by saying that in Japan, if you are single and your parents are alive, then no matter how old you are, your parent's home is your home, too. Some students booed this statement, but a Malaysian student of Chinese descent said that in Chinese families that was the norm. "The home I grew up in is my home forever. When I need help, my family will take care of me."

An Italian student chimed in: "In Italy, it's the same way. There are a lot of young people who have jobs, but still live in their parents' home." Depending on the culture and national character, it seems that there are differences in the role the family plays within the context of respecting the individual. I would think that concepts of "freedom" and "democracy" might be interpreted slightly differently as well. This is one reason why it is not only impossible to impose our view of "how things are" on others, it is downright dangerous.

Living with the family past adolescence and enabling a social sickness is another thing. These "hermits" suffer from what is called "hikikimori"-because no other country in the world has this type of problem, and I think that's more dangerous.

Then she goes on to state:

During a discussion with my friend Susan, I asked, "Suppose you started having marital problems with your husband, what would you do? Would you talk about it with others, like your close friends or your parents?" Her answer was firm: "My parents have nothing to do with problems between my husband and I. They have absolutely no right to get involved. I will talk our problems through with my husband."

My Japanese sensibilities make me think that for a couple who are having problems, talking to each other would just make the pair even more emotional, and not solve any problems. Thus, I would think grumbling to others about their problems might actually help. But Americans do not share their problems as much, and instead opt to go to counseling professionals. People with family problems discuss their problems with family counselors; people with marriage problems go to marital counselors. For alcoholism and issues involving abuse, there are a dizzying array of options, including psychologists, psychiatrists and support groups for almost any problem.

In Japan there is a stigma related to therapy, so people usually avoid it, which could explain the high rate of suicide here. Really, are family members more objective or more knowledgeable than professionals. I don't see how talking to a specialist can be a bad thing unless you rely too much on it, but for alcoholism or drug addiction or any other serious behavior disorder it seems essential.

Here's the rest of the article.

On a side note, this is my 1000th post in just over two years.

Comments

[LF]

Congratulations. You're inspiration to all bloggers! Interesting article and debate btw. About the last point you posted about martial problems, the writer should really check the logic of the argument, it doesn't seem to make any sense. I mean how is talkiing to a counsellor not sharing your problem?!! Anyhow in Japan they do go to therapy its called English Conversation School.

[Kelly]

"...But Americans do not share their problems as much" ?!?!? Is she kidding, hasn't she seen Oprah?

[MC]

Exactly, I can't even count the number of times a person I barely knew told me all their problems...